![]() As anyone who has ever watched or read it knows, there’s very little news in the news. At the very least, you won’t have to trim them every year. In the same way, just because nobody else has seen a zombie yet doesn’t mean the very first one isn’t lurking in your bushes. Just because the entire region is expecting a big storm doesn’t mean your house will get a drop of rain. Never get your hopes up when it comes to Mother Nature or the damned. As a kid, I checked if there was enough snow to cancel school now I check if there are enough zombies to cancel work. The first thing you should do when you wake up is look out the window. There are simple steps you can take every day to ensure you catch the end of the world right at the start. Making the right decision requires maturity, vision, and excellent judgment. But if you wait too long, everyone you love could be eaten by zombies, which would make for an awkward family newsletter. If you quit your job and pull your kids out of school too early, you’ll starve to death before the zombie apocalypse even starts. I’m looking at you, New Jersey.Īs a parent, it’s crucial that you time your response exactly right. In other places, zombies could destroy everything and nobody would notice the difference. In Canada, where the crime rate is zero and no one has said a swear word since 1982, even one zombie could throw the whole country into chaos. In some places, this will be easy to spot. Instead, it’ll be up to parents to look for subtle signs the dead are walking the earth. The undead are more understated than that, and besides, they don’t have the budget. The zombie apocalypse won’t start with fireworks and a laser light show. The undead can’t afford the rent, even for homes damaged by unexplained pizza fires. People there do everything before it’s cool. Portland will be ground zero for the outbreak. It’s easy to mistake an undead assault for something else, like “civil unrest” or “boy band concerts.” In other areas, zombie attacks could take months or even years to begin. ![]() In some areas, it could be underway right now. The zombie apocalypse won’t start everywhere at once. Remind me to send a gift basket to the fire department. For the record, the instructions were not as clear as they could have been, and the smoke damage was minimal. It’s easy to be on guard when the dead are already walking the earth, but it takes much more discipline to be vigilant when the biggest dangers in your life are being late for a PTA meeting or burning a frozen pizza. This readiness should start well before civilization collapses. That’s why you should be prepared at all times to fight for your life. ![]() Even if you tried, the undead are notoriously bad at keeping appointments. You can’t pick when and where zombies will attack. Without further ado, we present to you James Breakwell’s “Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.”Įnjoy! “Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse” Chapter 1: The Best Bad Day of Your Life If you’re not sold on zombies or apocalypses just yet, you’re in luck! Breakwell gave us permission to give our readers a sneak preview by publishing the first chapter of his brand-spankin’ new book. Luckily for us, Breakwell has decided to consolidate all of his years of parenting wisdom, quips, and observations into his newest book, “Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.” Image via James BreakwellĪlthough it’s set to launch in bookstores across the country on October 10, 2017, you currently can pre-order his book on his website. Breakwell has the uncanny ability of finding the humor in the grossest of messes, the smelliest of diapers, and even the biggest of #parentingfails - and he does so in such a way that you just can’t help but smile at the end of it. ![]() And it’s not just because he has a wickedly funny sense of humor it’s because his powers of observation - particularly when it comes to life as a parent - are unbelievably sharp. Whether you prefer to absorb his sense of humor in the form of tweets or blog posts, you know that anything that comes out of this guy’s head is going to be hilarious. (If you aren’t, his more than 986K Twitter followers would tell you that that’s a situation you need to rectify sooner rather than later.) If you’re a parent with Internet access (and/or friends), then you’re probably very, very familiar with the quick wit of comedy writer James Breakwell, aka Exploding Unicorn. ![]()
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